Abraham Lincoln : "If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee." Abraham Lincoln : "'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt." Abraham Lincoln : "When I do good, I feel good; when I do bad, I feel bad, and that is my religion." Abraham Lincoln : "You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time." Adam Clayton Powell Jr. : "A man's respect for law and order exists in precise relationship to the size of his paycheck." Adolf Hitler : "What luck for rulers that men do not think." Albert Einstein : "Few people are capable of expressing with equanimity opinions which differ from the prejudices of their social environment. Most people are even incapable of forming such opinions." Albert Einstein : "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." Albert Einstein : "My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind." Albert Einstein : "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Alfred North Whitehead : "If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer." Ambrose Bierce : "The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling." Andre Maurois : "In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others." Anonymous : "A little nonsense now and then, is relished by the wisest men." Aristotle : "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it." Artemus Ward : "Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness?" Arthur C. Clarke : "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." Benjamin Disraeli : "How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct." Benjamin Disraeli : "The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps." Benjamin Disraeli : "There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics." Bertrand Russell : "A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand." Bertrand Russell : "Patriotism is the willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons." Bertrand Russell : "Science may set limits to knowledge, but should not set limits to imagination." Bertrand Russell : "The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts." Bill Clinton : "When I took office, only high energy physicists had ever heard of what is called the Worldwide Web.... Now even my cat has its own page." Bill Cosby : "Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home." Bill Hoest : "I just need enough to tide me over until I need more." Bill Watterson : "Reality continues to ruin my life." Billy Crystal : "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Bob Hope : "If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf." Booth Tarkington : "There are two things that will be believed of any man whatsoever, and one of them is that he has taken to drink." Bruce Cockburn : "The trouble with normal is it always gets worse." Calvin Trillin : "Health food makes me sick." Calvin Trillin : "The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." Caskie Stinnett : "A diplomat... is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip." Cecil Baxter : "You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty." Charles Haddon Spurgeon : "You cannot slander human nature; it is worse than words can paint it." Charles M. Schulz : "My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" Charles M. Schulz : "Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"/ Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." Chico Marx : "Mustard's no good without roast beef." Christina Stead : "If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves there wouldn't be enough to go around." Clarence Darrow : "When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it." Dan Quayle : "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." Dan Rather : "An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger." De La Lastra's Law : "After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed." Don Herold : "There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have." Doris Egan : "Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise, there wouldn't be religious people." Dorothy Parker : "I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true." Douglas Adams : "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." Douglas Adams : "Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space." Dr. Thomas Fuller : "All things are difficult before they are easy." Dwight D. Eisenhower : "A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done." E. B. White : "Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half the time." Eddie Cantor : "He hasn't an enemy in the world - but all his friends hate him." Edward R. Murrow : "When the politicians complain that TV turns the proceedings into a circus, it should be made clear that the circus was already there, and that TV has merely demonstrated that not all the performers are well trained." Ellen DeGeneres : "Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution. So procrastinate now, don't put it off." Ellen Goodman : "Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for - in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it." Eric Sevareid : "Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks." Esther Dyson : "The Internet is like alcohol in some sense. It accentuates what you would do anyway. If you want to be a loner, you can be more alone. If you want to connect, it makes it easier to connect." Evan Esar : "Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once." E. W. Dijkstra : "Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes." Francois de La Rochefoucauld : "Gratitude is merely the secret hope of further favors." Franklin P. Adams : "I find that a great part of the information I have was acquired by looking up something and finding something else on the way." Fred Hoyle : "Space isn't remote at all. It's only an hour's drive away if your car could go straight upwards." Friedrich Nietzsche : "It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!" Garry Trudeau : "I've been trying for some time to develop a lifestyle that doesn't require my presence." Georg Christoph Lichtenberg : "Perhaps in time the so-called Dark Ages will be thought of as including our own." George Bernard Shaw : "Martyrdom... is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability." George Bernard Shaw : "The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it." George Best : "I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered." George Carlin : "Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy." George F. Will : "The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised. " Gertrude Stein : "Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone." Gilda Radner : "I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." G. K. Chesterton : "By a curious confusion, many modern critics have passed from the proposition that a masterpiece may be unpopular to the other proposition that unless it is unpopular it cannot be a masterpiece." G. K. Chesterton : "He may be mad, but there's method in his madness. There nearly always is method in madness. It's what drives men mad, being methodical." G. K. Chesterton : "I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean." G. K. Chesterton : "If there were no God, there would be no Atheists." Groucho Marx : "Women should be obscene and not heard." Harry Golden : "The only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work." Heinrich Heine : "Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid." Helen Rowland : "The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity." H. E. Martz : "He who builds a better mousetrap these days runs into material shortages, patent-infringement suits, work stoppages, collusive bidding, discount discrimination--and taxes." Henri-Fr.d.ric Amiel : "Charm is the quality in others that makes us more satisfied with ourselves." Henrik Tikkanen : "Because we don't think about future generations, they will never forget us." Henry Adams : "There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence." Henry David Thoreau : "A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone." Henry S. Haskins : "The time to stop talking is when the other person nods his head affirmatively but says nothing." Herbert Hoover : "About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends." H. L. Mencken : "Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking." H. L. Mencken : "It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf." H. L. Mencken : "The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom." Isaac Newton : "Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy." Jack Handey : "I hope that when I die, people say about me, 'Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.'" Jackie Mason : "I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." Jane Wagner : "Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it." Japanese Proverb : "The reverse side also has a reverse side." Jascha Heifetz : "No matter what side of the argument you are on, you always find people on your side that you wish were on the other." Jean Giraudoux : "The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made." Jef Raskin : "Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining." Jessica Alba : "My theory is that if you look confident you can pull off anything - even if you have no clue what you're doing." Jimmy Buffett : "Indecision may or may not be my problem." Jimmy Demaret : "Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." Jimmy Wales : "Everybody tells jokes, but we still need comedians." John Cleese : "I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me." John Kenneth Galbraith : "If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error." John Ruskin : "What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do." John Stuart Mill : "If mankind minus one were of one opinion, then mankind is no more justified in silencing the one than the one - if he had the power - would be justified in silencing mankind." John Wanamaker : "Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is I don't know which half." Joseph Baretti : "I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am." Joss Whedon, Zack Whedon, Maurissa Tancharoen, and Jed Whedon : "You give my regards to St. Peter, or whoever has his job, but in Hell." Katherine Cebrian : "I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking." Kurt Vonnegut : "Any reviewer who expresses rage and loathing for a novel is preposterous. He or she is like a person who has put on full armor and attacked a hot fudge sundae." Laurence J. Peter : "Against logic there is no armor like ignorance." Laurence J. Peter : "Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame." Laurence J. Peter : "Every man serves a useful purpose: A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor." Lord Acton : "The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. Every class is unfit to govern." Lynda Barry : "Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." Margaret Millar : "Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses." Margaret Mitchell : "Until you've lost your reputation, you never realize what a burden it was." Marilyn Manson : "Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised." Mark Twain : "Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest." Mark Twain : "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man." Mark Twain : "If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything." Mark Twain : "I have never let my schooling interfere with my education." Mark Twain : "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow." Marquis de Vauvenargues : "The things we know best are the things we haven't been taught." Martin Luther King Jr. : "Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men." Marvin Minsky : "Imagine what it would be like if TV actually were good. It would be the end of everything we know." Mignon McLaughlin : "No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you'll see why." Minna Thomas Antrim : "Man forgives woman anything save the wit to outwit him." Mitch Hedberg : "I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience." Moses Hadas : "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time reading it." Napoleon Bonaparte : "The best way to keep one's word is not to give it." Nathaniel Borenstein : "The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents." Orson Welles : "My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." Oscar Wilde : "Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes." Oscar Wilde : "I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world." Oscar Wilde : "It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating." Oscar Wilde : "Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace." Oscar Wilde : "My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's." Oscar Wilde : "The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it." Oscar Wilde : "When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers." Pancho Villa : "Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something." Paul Eldridge : "Man is ready to die for an idea, provided that idea is not quite clear to him." Peter Drucker : "The computer is a moron." P. J. O'Rourke : "Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs." Ralph Hodgson : "Some things have to be believed to be seen." Richard Bach : "The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work." Richard M. Nixon : "Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest men in national government too." Rita Rudner : "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." Robert Benchley : "A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down." Robert Byrne : "In order to preserve your self-respect, it is sometimes necessary to lie and cheat." Robert Frost : "The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." Robert Frost : "The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them." Robert Frost : "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--/ I took the one less traveled by, / And that has made all the difference." Robert Orben : "Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian." Rodney Dangerfield : "I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." Russell Baker : "Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it." Saki : "A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation." Sam Levenson : "You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself." Samuel Butler : "It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all." Samuel Goldwyn : "Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined." Samuel Johnson : "The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good." Scott Adams : "Dance like it hurts,/ Love like you need money,/ Work when people are watching." Scott Adams : "If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?" Scott Adams : "The best way to compile inaccurate information that no one wants is to make it up." Sir William Osler : "The greater the ignorance the greater the dogmatism." Sir Winston Churchill : "I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." Sir Winston Churchill : "I have always felt that a politician is to be judged by the animosities he excites among his opponents." Slovenian Proverb : "Speak the truth, but leave immediately after." Stephen Leacock : "Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it." Steven Wright : "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included." Tennessee Williams : "A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with." Thomas H. Huxley : "Try to learn something about everything and everything about something." Thomas Jefferson : "The man who reads nothing at all is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers." Thomas Jones : "Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate." Thomas Mann : "War is a cowardly escape from the problems of peace." Tom Hanks : "I'm glad I didn't have to fight in any war. I'm glad I didn't have to pick up a gun. I'm glad I didn't get killed or kill somebody. I hope my kids enjoy the same lack of manhood." Unknown : "Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." Vic Gold : "The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced." Voltaire : "Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd." Walt Disney : "It's kind of fun to do the impossible." W. H. Auden : "Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh." Will Durant : "One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say." Willem de Kooning : "The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all of your time." William G. McAdoo : "It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument." William Safire : "Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care." William S. Burroughs : "After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager." Will Rogers : "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." Woody Allen : "It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more." Woody Allen : "It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." Woody Allen : "Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon." Woody Allen : "My one regret in life is that I am not someone else." W. S. Gilbert : "No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a dirty little beast." W. Somerset Maugham : "Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit." W. Somerset Maugham : "I always find it more difficult to say the things I mean than the things I don't." Virginia Form DMHMR 562-11A-38revA : In order to request a change to the forms management form change form, submit a forms change request form or the forms management form change form to the forms management supervisor. Do not use the request for forms change form, or the forms management form change form itself, as these will be forwarded to the forms management supervisor through the forms management form alteration process, resulting in additional paperwork. Data Logic education manual, 17 June 1986 : Physical and logical deletion of a logical child segment in unidirectional and physically paired bidirectional logical relationships occurs when a delete call is issued to delete an occurrence of the logical child segment type, or a segment that is a parent of the logical child in the logical child's physical data base. In addition for a physically paired logical relationship, when a logical child segment is physically and logically deleted by issuing a call to delete the logical child segment or a segment that is a parent of the logical child in the same physical data base, the paired logical child segment is logically deleted. The paired logical child is both physically and logically deleted when the rule specified for the paired logical child is virtual. For virtually paired logical relationships, logical deletion of a logical child segment occurs when the delete rule of logical or virtual is specified for the logical parent, and a delete call is issued to delete an occurrence of the logical parent segment type or a parent of the logical parent in the logical parents physical data base. Physical deletion of a real logical child segment occurs when a call is issued to delete an occurrence of the real logical child or a segment that is a parent of the real logical child segment in the same physical data base. ALGOL 68 Report : No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an indication- applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as an indication-applied occurrence. Larry DeLuca <email@example.com>, 3/95 : I've noticed lately that the paranoid fear of computers becoming intelligent and taking over the world has almost entirely disappeared from the common culture. Near as I can tell, this coincides with the release of MS-DOS. Claude Shannon (the father of Information Theory) in a letter to Norbert Weiner of M.I.T., in the 1940's : Use the word ``cybernetics,'' Norbert, because nobody knows what it means. This will always put you at an advantage in arguments. Andrew Lias's .signature <firstname.lastname@example.org> : Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life. Nate ``OhioGrad'' Loofbourrow : Beneath every great virtual reality experiment is a fat man in dreadlocks lying in a swivel chair with his hand sticking up into the air. (unknown) : A one-question geek test. If you get the joke, you're a geek: Seen on a California license plate on a VW Beetle: ``FEATURE'' President Bill Clinton, 23 October 1995 : If I said anything which implies that I think that we didn't do what we should have done given the choices we faced at the time, I shouldn't have said that. ``Science Faction,'' by James S. Trefil, Scientific American, November 1995 : The fact of the matter is, we scientists are simply not all that interesting. If I may generalize wildly, we are usually dull people with interesting ideas - as distinguished from artists (interesting people with dull ideas) and dancers and athletes (dull people with dull ideas and magnificent physical skills). The Electrician, 1891 (yes, 1891) : It seems to us that we are getting perilously near the ideal of the modern Utopian when life is to consist of sitting in armchairs and pressing a button. It is not a desirable prospect; we shall have no wants, no money, no ambition, no youth, no desires, no individuality, no names and nothing wise about us. President Abraham Lincoln, Nov. 21, 1864 (letter to Col. William F. Elkins) (this quote was apparently fabricated in the 1880's!) : I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country. ... Corporations have been enthroned and an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until all wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed. John P. Wiley Jr., quoting Edward R. Harrison (a cosmologist at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst) Smithsonian Magazine, December, 1995. : The history of the Universe has been summed up thusly: ``Hydrogen is a light, odorless gas, which, given enough time, turns into people.'' J. Michael Straczynski, producer / writer of Babylon 5, describing the end of season 3, 9 July 1996 : Someone dies. Someone nearly dies. Someone is reborn. Someone takes a fall. Lots of things blow up. Something really big blows up. Hearts are broken. Love is found, possibly too late. And there are equal measures of hope and great despair. C.A.R. Hoare : There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult. TV listing for the movie, The Wizard of Oz, in the Marin Independent Journal : Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete stangers to kill again.